I've Reached My Happy Weight!

Over the years I have tried just about every diet and exercise program known to man. Reaching all the way back to my high school days when leg warmers made their first appearance and Aqua-net was in high demand, I was on my living room floor working out with Denise Austin, Kathy Smith, or Gilad. In the 90’s I owned the complete Buns of Steel Collection. I’ve completed P90X, Insanity, Turbo Jam and the 21 Day Fix. I’ve tried walking, running, kickboxing, yoga, HIIT,Pilates and Zumba. As far as diets, I started with Slim Fast in high school. I tried the cabbage diet, the grapefruit diet, the Halelujah diet, Fit for Life, Whole 30, I’ve gone low-fat, high carb, and low-carb, high protein, sugar-free, gluten-free, and dairy-free. All the while, just wanting to live and eat, without obsessing over every morsel that passed through my lips!

Every time I began a program promising results, I took before and after pics. And EVERY time I showed those pictures to my family, they could not tell which was which. Weeks and months of self-deprivation, hard work and determination always ended with no visible results. (And do not think that I was just schlepping my way through those programs. I do not cheat when I am on a diet!) Not once did my buns resemble steel! Actually, when I finished Whole 30 my good friend did give me this glowing compliment, “Your legs are not as cottage-cheesy as they were before you started.” Now that was worth 30 days of deprivation!! (Everyone needs a girlfriend with whom she is close enough to discuss the cottage-cheesiness of her thighs!)

Most recently, I’ve tried reducing my sugar, dairy and wheat. I haven’t been strict about it and I haven’t even tried to do this for weight loss. I just haven’t had the energy it takes to be on a strict regimen, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw my weight dropping. (Side note: I have been super stressed out lately and when I am stressed I don’t like to eat. So, in my personal experience, high levels of stress are the key to weight loss!) No matter how, I got to this point. The fact is, I finally reached my “Happy Weight”, that number that had been eluding me despite thousands of workouts and eating waaaaaay too much lettuce.

When I first looked down at the scale I figured it must be wrong. I stepped off and then back on again. Those three magical digits reappeared – same as the first time. I knew that my scale was sometimes off, so I went to the gym just to confirm. As I inched the small metal bar across the slider it came to rest on a number I hadn’t seen in over 25 years. It was actually true! I hadn’t just reached my happy weight; I maintained it for a few months, even through the first round of holiday feasting.

But do you want to know the first thought that popped into my head when I saw the numbers in that little square that has wielded way too much power in my life? It wasn’t, “Yay Me!” or “Time to celebrate!” or even a simple, “Good job.” It was this: “I wish I were taller.” Seriously? After a quarter of a century of trying to get the scale to read my worth back to me, at the very moment of victory, the bar changed? The measuring stick moved? What is wrong with me?! Who reaches a milestone of “success” and congratulates herself with instantly setting a new standard, one that is impossible to achieve?

I’m not exaggerating when I tell you, that response came from the pit of hell. It slithered through the lips of that serpent who is always whispering in my ear that I will never measure up, that I am not enough and that even my victories don’t count. That even though I’m thinner, I’m still not beautiful.

Immediately, God brought these two words to my mind: Broken Cistern. One of my favorite passages in the Old Testament is Jeremiah 2:12 – 13, “Be appalled, O heavens, at this; be shocked, be utterly desolate, declares the Lord, for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” A broken cistern is anything I look to in order to fill up the spaces in my soul where satisfaction seems to drain away like water through a sieve. How many times do I need to experience the futility of drinking from a broken cistern? And, knowing what I know, why on earth do I keep returning to them?  Do I really believe my happiness could rest on something so superficial as the amount of gravity it takes to hold my feet to the earth?

This whole revelation took place in a matter of moments. I stood on the bathroom floor, scale pushed to the side, frustrated by the realization that I still have so much growing to do. I had to confess to the Lord that I had looked to that miserable square metal platform to deliver what only He can give me. My joy and satisfaction will never come from a number on a scale. I can attest to the truth of Alisa Keeton’s words, “Idols consume you as you pursue them, disappoint you when you get them, and devastate you when you lose them.”

Although my response to this situation revealed my need for growth, I was also encouraged by this little episode. I was encouraged that I was able to identify the lies in my mind and cover them with truth. I was reminded that God Himself is my satisfaction and joy, and because of that, I can be content despite the fact that I am barely 5’3”, and most likely will only get shorter from here on out. I was grateful for the knowledge that God continually enfolds me in His ever-loving arms. He offers me living water in exchange for my broken cistern, and He assures me that I am His, no matter my failures or successes, or the number on my scale.