I Made a Deal With God

I made a deal with God.  I never actually spoke it out loud, but it went something like this:

 “I will do all the RIGHT things (as best as I can). I’ll give my life to serving you in ministry. I’ll follow you with my whole heart. I’ll be a really good Christian.” 

“You will bless me.  You will keep major problems out of my life (small problems are fine.)  You will give me a healthy marriage. We will have a thriving ministry and a houseful of kids, and we will live comfortably, enjoying Your blessings.”

I was unaware of this “deal” I had made with God. Until one day, I found myself furious with Him. My marriage was struggling and our ministry was floundering.  My heart screamed, “THIS shouldn’t be happening to ME!!” It surprised me to hear myself raging at God. 

My eyes began to  open to the idols of my heart…comfort, ease, self-sufficiency, predictability and control.That’s when I realized my crazy misunderstanding of grace, of God’s will, and what  blessings look like. 

I had mistakenly thought I could manipulate God. 

Here’s the funny part.  I had asked God to do those difficult things in my life.  In 2003, I was at a women’s retreat.  During free time I had taken a long walk  with God in the woods. As I wound my way over branches and past mossy trees, I held my hands in a position of surrender.  I said, “God, do whatever it takes to bring me closer to you.”  

Photo by Tatiana Rodriguez on Unsplash

Two months later, God began answering my prayer.  And I didn’t like His answer. I even said, “God, I take it back! This is too much.” I was on my face, crying out to God, and I couldn’t see that it was the answer to my own prayer.

CS Lewis says, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”  Though I had asked God to reveal HImself to me more fully, I didn’t like His method.   I had prayed words similar to the old hymn “My Goal is God Himself” :
My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace,
Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God;’
Tis His to lead me there—not mine, but His—
At any cost, dear Lord, by any road.
The problem is, I didn’t mean it.  I meant, “God I want to know you deeply, at any cost (as long as it isn’t too painful).”

In His mercy, He took me into deep waters where all I could do was cling to Him.  He knocked out all my props.  He smashed my idols.  He brought me to a place of saying, “God You are all I have, and You are enough!”

It’s been years since I first admitted my silent “deal” with God.   I wish I could say it was a one time occurence.  But it wasn’t.  It played out repeatedly in my life.  I would get through one crisis and think, “Ok, God can lay off for a while.  Things will get easier now.” And often they did. Until the next disappointment. Time after time, I’ve found God to bring beauty out of every broken thing. Here’s just a few ways He’s done that:

No pain is ever wasted.

God has used my brokenness to be a source of comfort to others. He used it to make me more empathetic to people.  He helped my heart become more tender toward their pain.  And hopefully, they have found a little bit of hope, to get through their situation.

Think about your own life.  What has God brought you through? Or what are you still in the middle of? How can your story be used to comfort and encourage someone else?  He will use your scars to heal someone else’s wounds.

His plans are always better.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 (ESV)

I don’t pretend to understand the mind of God. We cannot see the whole story He is weaving. It comes to us in bits and pieces. But we trust His heart. He is good. Always good.

God carries us in our pain. 

Do you know the poem about the footprints in the sand? It’s true. When we are going through the hardest times in our lives He carries us. “He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young.” Isaiah 40: 11 (NIV)“...even to your old age I am He, and to gray hairs I will carry you.I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save.”  Isaiah 64:4 (ESV)

There is nothing as sweet as being carried in the arms of God.  When you give up striving because you’re  just exhausted, He picks you up.  When you are crumpled in a heap, wondering how you will stand again, He lifts you into His arms.  When you feel so alone in the world, you want to disappear, He tightens His embrace. Press into Him and let Him hold you.

He truly is enough.

“Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.” Psalm 63:3 (ESV)  Our lives are often so comfortable, easy, and full  of blessings.  But when the bottom gets knocked out, we realize God’s  love is better than life itself!

How have you experienced His love in the midst of your pain? He will meet you there. “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

I made a deal with God.  And He kept it.  I told Him I would do my best, and He would bless me. He did.  He blessed me with struggles, and challenges that stripped me of my self-sufficiency. He blessed me with eyes to see my own pride and granted me repentance. He blessed me with a desperation for Himself that drew me to know Him more deeply than I ever would have if my life were easy and comfortable. He didn’t have to keep the deal.  We never even shook on it.